Schmang is a word one of my friends invented. Mr. Copenhagen  described how friends had left his apartment after a weekend use, “And they left the place a mess. Even the sheets they used were left on the bed all schmanged up.”

Schmang may be used to describe anything gooey, sticky, mucky, permeable in appearance, and immobile without leaving skid marks.   Skid marks in themselves are composed of Schmang.  “Don’t touch that schmang! It could leave skid marks!”

Snot on a rag is nothing less than schmang out of your nose holes.  Mashed potatoes and gravy on the floor mixed with whatever is down there, schmang.  The stuff dirty diapers are made of, serious schmang.  Smears on the refrigerator door, schmang.   Clear fluid somewhat dry, somewhat gelatinous no matter where or on what, schmang of questionable nature.

Phrases you won’t hear often:

 Honey, could you pick me up a six pack of schmang?

Don’t forget your schmang bag!

Any of you dudes know where I could score some schmang?

(At a street corner and written on a piece of cardboard) Down on my luck, could use spare schmang, God Bless.


Places to find schmang:

On dead fish

In Tourist Towns

Institutional meals


Unlikely places to find schmang:

The Moon


How to identify schmang

Come across a substance you cannot identify as being schmang?  The following descriptions should be of help:

Uninviting, clinging, gross, organic, squishy, spongy, stringy, mushy, messy and always questionable.


Schmang Season

The positive thing about schmang is it is a year-round season.  You don’t need a license or a fishing tag to go hunting schmang.  As an extra bonus, you don’t ever need to hunt for it.  Schmang just shows up like an unexpected bill.


(more schmang continued)

Schmang Apparel

Wait, how did that get in here?  Schmang wears clothes?  No, silly.  Schmang goes ala natural at all times and ready for the hot tub.  Think of it…


All inclusive

Schmang does not discriminate.  Schmang happens to all of us. Schmang doesn’t say unkind things about us.  Although getting some schmang on yourself may put you in a position of ridicule, schmang happens.  Schmang shouldn’t get you killed nor thrown in prison.  No one has been deprived schmang.  There is plenty of schmang to go around.  Isn’t it good we can all get along?

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